Snoggered

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Me: Did you see my new glasses? They’re purple.
Her: Are they really? They look black from over here
Me: They’re purple, look [hands glasses over]
Her: Oh yeah. I would never have noticed that unless I was all up close and in your face.
Me: Yeah
Her: …like if we were kissing.
Me: what?
Her: Like if we were making out I totally would have seen that they were purple.
Me: …are you hitting on me?
Her: Hitting on? No. Can’t two people who work together make out in order for one to get a better look at the other’s new glasses?
Me: No, I think that’s a little strange.
Her: Hum…you’re probably right. Don’t tell my boyfriend.
Me: Don’t tell mine.
Her: Boyfriends! Yay!
Me: TWINSIES!

Boyfriends

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Me: Crap. The Vegas Watch & Jewelry show is in 3 weeks.
CoWorker: Why are you upset? You don’t have to go. You’re actually one of only two people in the office NOT going.
Me: I know. But I’m getting keys and I have to open the office in the mornings while you’re all gone and what if the alarm goes off and sexy cops show up and sexy arrest me and put me in sexy jail?!?!?!
CoWorker: ……sexy jail?
Me: Yes.
CoWorker: …I don’t think that’s a real thing.
Me: FUCK!!

Sexy Jail

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…….yes

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Supervisor: Anyone want an almond Snickers?
Coworker 1: Oh! Me!
Supervisor: Here you go.
Coworker 1: Yay! Sweets for lunch!
Coworker 2: Weren't you eating a donut for lunch before? And now you’re eating a snickers?
Supervisor: You ate a donut for lunch?
Coworker 1: No.
Supervisor: Okay good. I was going to say…
Coworker 1: I ate TWO donuts for lunch. Thanks for the candy bar!
Me: wait…when were there donuts?
Coworker 2: You miss everything.
Me: I miss everything.

Sweets

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Me: Sometimes I see people who are so pretty I just want to hit them in the face. With like...an open hand. Just face palm them and be like "Stop that!!!"
CoWorker: That's why I'm starving myself, so I'll be so pretty that you'll want to hit me in the face.
Me: I already want to hit you in the face everyday.
CoWorker: Awww. That's so sweet. I really needed that today.

Face

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Coworker1: Waaah!
Coworker2: What's wrong?
Coworker1: It's raining!
Coworker2: So?
Coworker1: I don't like the rain.
Coworker2: Well think of it this way - the rain is washing away all the pollen so that'll help with everyone's allergies!
Coworker1: ...it is also washing away my spirit.
Coworker2: Like my allergies, your spirit makes me sick.
Coworker1: ....ouch dude. Very ouch.
Coworker2: Go get your fucking lunch.
Coworker1: I'm fucking going!
Coworker2: ...and get me a Snapple.
Coworker1: kay.

Wash. Rise. Repeat

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Me: Hey, can you tell Nelson he left his banana on my desk. His nasty-ass banana all over my desk.....nasty-ass motherfucker leaving nasty-ass bananas stains on people's desks. There's no class anymore.
Him: lol. He's always leaving his nasty ass banana all over the place
Me: Fer seriously...like ALLL over. It's been so many places we usually only talk about the places where he HASN'T left his banana.
Him: ...There aren't many
Me: Yeah like 4 places........so.....Does Nelson want this banana? He's sitting right by you. He's eaten like 18 today. He just wants them all in his mouth.
Him: He said: YES!!!
Me: Of course he did. He just wants it in his mouth
Him: He said he LOVES stuff in his mouth
Me: You know he does. He's like "OMG! ALL BANANAS IN MY MOUTH!!!" It's probably because he's in training for the dick Olympics
Him: He's going for the gold.
Me: He just came over here and I just gave him his banana
Him: You just made his day.
Me: I'm totally posting this on Tumblr. Oh...and I just opened up my dashboard and it was nothing but dicks. So many dicks all over the place. I was like "This is what Nelson must feel like every day"
Him : LMAO...I think he's coming back over there to hit you. Hide.

Dick Olympics

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Happy Farmer

Dear Co-worker,

You were sitting at my desk on my days off this past week and I have stumbled across your Jolly Rancher stash.

You can pretend that you left them there for me all you want, but I won’t believe you. I think it was just a foolhardy oversight on your part that they were left behind.

I just want you to know that I ate them all. They were delicious.

xoxo,
Mike