- Me: I'm hungry.
- CoWorker: Did you have lunch?
- Me: Yeah. I brought a turkey sandwich.
- CoWorker: I heard that YOU are a turkey sandwich.
- Me: I heard that your FACE is a turkey sandwich.
- CoWorker: MEOW!
Turkey Sandwich
All this happened, more or less.
- Me: I have a confession to make. A friend of mine died recently and it's made me contemplate my mortality so I have joined WeightWatchers because if I'm going to drop dead from something I would rather it be something awesome and not just because I eat ridiculous amounts of fried things...which are themselves awesome...but you know what I mean.
- Sister: Wow. Really?
- Me: .....no. I just want to be skinny like Jennifer Hudson in time for bikini season.
- Sister: well you know, I happen to be a fitness professional and can help you with this venture, despite the fact that I am super fat and lazy at the moment. But In my head I am super not fat and lazy.
- Me: Hahaha. Thank you.
- Sister: ....
- Me: ...?
- Sister: Oh no no. Don't jump in and stop me from calling myself fat and lazy. I'm only 8 fucking months pregnant. Let me just insult myself and we can move on and talk more about you.
- Me: You are a vision of femininity, beauty and womanhood.
- Sister: [20 minutes later] Yeah I know. Sorry. I was eating everything in the refrigerator.
- Me: Nice
8 Months
Boss in email to staff: Please make sure that you log out of the order processing system at the end of the day and do not log back in until Monday, as they will be doing system updates over the next two days. Thanks!
Me: Damnit. You just ruined all of my weekend plans.
Boss: I’m sure you’ll make due.
Me: I might not. I might die….of sadness.
Boss: What if I let you wear the snake heart? Will that make everything better? This is hypothetical, of course. I will not be letting you do that.
Me: No. It would only remind me of the AURYN from the Neverending Story and I would be forced to act as Atreyu’s trusty steed Artax and slowly sink into the Swamp of Sadness.
Boss: Hahahahaha
Me: Thank you for finding my pseudo pain so amusing.
Boss: You’re welcome. Go home.
Me: Yessir.
serpentine beech hedge | chatsworth house ~ malcolm kirk photograph
Me: I think that if I had a vagina it would look like this.
CoWorker: …I don’t think that’s an option
Me: drat
(via remash)
- BF: I'm at Target. Did you go to the grocery store?
- Me: .............
- BF: ?
- Me: ....................no.
- BF: Why not?
- Me: I'm naked.
- BF: Weren't you naked earlier? Why haven't you put clothes on?
- Me: I got distracted.
- BF: ?
- Me: ..........by my penis.
Distracted
- CoWorker1: I love your look!
- CoWorker2: Thank you!
- CoWorker1: Yeah. I could totally, like, see you in any culture.
- CoWorker2: What do you mean?
- CoWorker1: You know, like British culture or something.
- CoWorker2: I like that! Thank you!
- CoWorker1: You're such a woman of the world!
- CoWorker2: YEAH! WOMAN OF THE WORLD!
- CoWorker1: YEAH!!
- Me: None of that made any sense. You two need to cool it with all the coffee.
Woman Of The World.
- Me: Hey. You still up for dinner this evening? My treat.
- Him: Would you mind if we postponed? It's storming outside.
- Me: Sure. No problem.
- Him: Thanks for offering to buy me dinner. I appreciate it.
- Me: I just want you to feel like you owe me something when you're famous.
- Him: Oh okay.
- Me: I want a spot in your posse.
- Me: My phone just tried to autocorrect posse to pussy.
- Me: I want a spot in your pussy.
- Me: That is a totally inappropriate thing to say.
- Him: That is so inappropriate that I cannot condone you putting that up on your Tumblr blog without changing our names.
- Me: HAHAHAHA...deal.
Pussy Posse
Coworker: Lisa Bonet is my spirit animal.
- Me: Did you see my new glasses? They’re purple.
- Her: Are they really? They look black from over here
- Me: They’re purple, look [hands glasses over]
- Her: Oh yeah. I would never have noticed that unless I was all up close and in your face.
- Me: Yeah
- Her: …like if we were kissing.
- Me: what?
- Her: Like if we were making out I totally would have seen that they were purple.
- Me: …are you hitting on me?
- Her: Hitting on? No. Can’t two people who work together make out in order for one to get a better look at the other’s new glasses?
- Me: No, I think that’s a little strange.
- Her: Hum…you’re probably right. Don’t tell my boyfriend.
- Me: Don’t tell mine.
- Her: Boyfriends! Yay!
- Me: TWINSIES!
Boyfriends
- Me: Crap. The Vegas Watch & Jewelry show is in 3 weeks.
- CoWorker: Why are you upset? You don’t have to go. You’re actually one of only two people in the office NOT going.
- Me: I know. But I’m getting keys and I have to open the office in the mornings while you’re all gone and what if the alarm goes off and sexy cops show up and sexy arrest me and put me in sexy jail?!?!?!
- CoWorker: ……sexy jail?
- Me: Yes.
- CoWorker: …I don’t think that’s a real thing.
- Me: FUCK!!
Sexy Jail
Roommate: What would we look like as gazelles?
Me: I have no idea…
- Boss: Are you taking a nap like a manatee?
- Me: Yes, because I'm large and sometimes I try to give boat propellers hugs.
- Coworker: And then the manatees are like "Why is this guy trying to stick things in me?"
- Me: I wonder that every day.
- Coworker: No. Men have sex with manatees. It's a real problem. It happens every day.
- Me: .........what?
- Coworker: It's because they're soooo slow and their vaginas are soooo soft.
- Me: [laughing]
- Coworker: [looking up pictures of manatees on Google] Look at these guys, who'd want to rape that??
- Boss: This is just so many shades of weird. I'm going back to my office.
Manatee Naps
- Him: ...I had a car roll on top of my foot and stop once. That sucked shit.
- Me: Oh fuck. Yeah that is bull shit. Ow.
- Him: It was pretty much my fault though. I was drunk late at night at a Wendy's drive through and talking shit to my buddy in the back seat and we jumped out of the car to wrestle and I slammed him up against the car and my foot went under the back tire and voila! car rolled on foot.
- Me: You were drunk and wrestling with a dude in a Wendy's drive through....that's how porns start you know.
- Him: I wish. Pretty much all my sexual encounters start with me asking to fuck and the person saying yes. I'm damn romantic.
- Me: Well Wendy's Parking lots are very romantic.
- Him: A little bit. I'm definitely classy.
- Me: "...and on that balmy summer night in the Wendy's Parking lot, when he threw me up against the car and drunkenly whispered in my ear 'when this car gets off my foot, you wanna fuck?' I knew that I had finally found true love..."
- Him: You should write an erotic novel.
- Me: Fucking by a Wendy's would be a good idea cause when you're finished you can go inside and get a Frosty.
Frosty
- Nicki Minaj: ...You got that kind of medicine that keeps me coming, my body needs a hero, come and save me...
- Me: Me too. My body needs a hero.
- Roommate: But in your case you mean a sandwich.
- Me: yesssssssss
Hero
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