I don’t know if I’m a bottom because it turns me on, or if I’m...– Margaret Cho
Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.– Derek Zoolander
grisser asked: I just saw the first episode of Adventure Time (or the first 2 half-episodes as it were) and I can totally see why Lumpy Space Princess is awesome.
The hippo of recollection stirred in the muddy waters of the mind.– Terry Pratchett, Soul Music
Judgment upon Milkshakes
Him: What are you doing after work?
Me: Going to Shake Shack with a friend of mine.
Him: You have to get a chocolate shake there then.
Me: STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!
Me: Okay. Maybe I will.
Him: It's really good.
Me: I will form my own opinions on it, thankyouverymuch. I shall be the passer of judgment upon Milkshakes!
Me: Actually I probably won't get one. I don't have any Lactaid pills and I don't want my intestines to explode through my face on the subway ride back home. That wouldn't be pleasant.
Him: You got a package in the mail. Him: It’s from your dad and it’s heavy. Him: Is it a gun? Him: Would he send you a gun? Him: I hope it’s a gun. Him: I’m excited. Him: I really want it to be a gun. Me: I don’t think it’s legal to send a gun through the mail. Him: Could it be parts for a gun that fit together to form a gun? That’s probably legal. ...
It took me 3 hours to get to work this morning.
Dear MTA, Why now? Seriously? You’ve been sucking money out of my pocket for years…YEARS…and not giving me anything to show for it except for more fare hikes. But now, the Monday after a “Hurricane” caused you to shut down completely for the first time EVER…you decide to start back up Monday morning, just in time for me to go back to work? And you act like...
ohnoyoudii-iint-deactivated2011 asked: what are you doing during the hurricane?
….aaaand we’re back. Well that was anticlimactic.
Here we go y’all……
madscientistvictor-deactivated2 asked: Did you go to your high school prom?
So who wants to come over to my apartment this weekend and have a Hurricane/Make-Out party? I have chips & salsa.
Him: Sooo we aren't going to Ithaca this weekend because New Yorkers are dramatic about the weather.
Me: I don't even know where Ithaca is. [looks on map] Oh. I totally thought it was up closer to Rochester or Oswego. Like up on Lake Ontario somewhere, but it seems to only be an hour or two away from where I went camping last summer.
Him: [long pause]......I don't understand anything you just said. You know I don't go north of 14th St.
Me: It's north of Harlem.
Seriously…if I was part of ANY religion that had this…I would leave and not look back.
Dear Garlic Naan, Cheese Poori, Chicken Tikka & Lamb Kurma: I’m going to eat you for dinner and I’m wicked fucking excited. Love, Mike ps - Mango Lassi, I think you’ll be my favorite of all
One of my coworkers is also a photographer and he wants to get a new website so he can put up his portfolio….so he is looking for a host site, but one that offers templates because he doesn’t want to design something himself or pay someone to design it for him. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Anonymous asked: We knew each other in a different lifetime. I'm happy to see you're still around and doing well. Best wishes.
Curse of the white flesh
I started writing a post about these three horrible woman who were on the train with me last night, but then I deleted it because it got too long and dull, so here is a shortened version…yes…it’s shortened…trust me. The three horrible women on the train were loud, obnoxious, and horribly unattractive (both in form, features and dress). At Prince Street a homeless man got...
Customer: I would like to order the $90 or $100 fruit gift please.
Me: Alright. Well the $90 gift is all fruit and the $100 you get your choice of three treats to add to it.
Customer: I think I'll go with the $90 gift. One of them is too big.
Me: Well they're actually the same size, one just has those three treats added to the top, everything else is the same.
Customer: On no, not the baskets. The people I'm sending it too. One of them is too big...as a person...I mean, he's really fat.
Me: Apparently there was an earthquake in Virginia and we were suppose to have felt it here. Did you feel anything?
Me: They did uptown supposedly.
Him: Why can't we ever get hit with one?
Me: You WANT there to be an earthquake?
Me: You want to be in Manhattan when there's an earthquake and we're surrounded by old, really big, non-earthquake-proof buildings?
Him: Well when you say it like that it doesn't sound as fun.
Me: I'm such a downer
Customer: I sent a gift hamper to a friend and she received two hampers so I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't charged twice.
Me: Alright. Let me look up your order. [looks up order] Well I can see from what your invoice says that you got a double hamper.
Customer: Yes. But she received two so I wanted to know if I was charged twice.
Me: So she got four hampers total?
Customer: [getting frustrated] No, two. I said two. She got two hampers.
Me: Yes. And you sent her the double hamper.
Customer: Yes, I know. And she got two hampers and I want to know if I was charged for two hampers. [sighs heavily]
Me: Well she should have received two because the item you purchased was a double hamper, double meaning two...it comes in two hampers.
Customer: Are you sure?
Customer: Okay fine. [hangs up]
agentdetroit asked: What do you want to be when you grow up?
I’m getting old. I can’t remember things anymore. Maybe I...– Ty needs to stop smoking pot
You should come over anyway. Even if we can’t have sex, we can still make...